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The Day After Christmas;

My parents live in the mountains and I’ve been sick these last few days with a terrible head cold. My ears have been plugged as a result of said illness. But, I wanted to go shopping with my sister and my mother so I took my box of tissues, drank some medicine, and we drove down the mountain to the shopping mall.

Big mistake.

I forgot all about the pressure that would occur for my ears from the dramatic change in altitude. My right ear took most of the hit and I was actually sick to my stomach as sharp pains ran from my ear down to my neck. However, for some odd reason, whenever I’m in horrible amounts of pain, I never let it show so I just sat next to my mom shaking until she noticed that I had tears streaming down my face. We quickly stopped at a drugstore and grabbed ear drops that helped soothe some of the pain.

I was worried though because my right ear developed this horrible muffled feeling and I was partially deaf for a good chunk of the day. Luckily, the ear drops prevented the same painful event to occur when I went up the mountain, and thanks to the pressure change, it actually popped my ears where I can now hear again. They still ache quite badly though.

Moral of the lesson?

DON’T DO THAT EVER EVER EVER AGAIN.
Oh, and when it hurts, tell your Momma.
I’ve done it several times now, when I had bronchitis for two weeks, when I developed an infection in my arm and it swelled up like a balloon, when I was bit by a horse, etc. NEVER AGAIN.

But, I did get some pretty clothes today! I’m afraid I picked dreadfully comfortable wearing stuff, and stuck to a neutral palette like I always do. 

My favorite buy? An oversized  blue t-shirt that has a huge heart made out of knots with the words, “My Hearts is in Knots Over You.” 
http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=77399&vid=1&pid=885175&scid=885175032

It made me giggle so I had to buy it.

Now, I’m sitting in bed, nicely medicated.

 

Notes

Love;

I came to a conclusion recently that I need to stop playing it safe. I’ve placed a lot of barricades around myself and here I was thinking I was so darn shifty, and tactful, but this summer, two people who I think are rather…oblivious, called me out while we were driving to Wal-Mart. Shame on me. But what I learned when I was younger was that people are bound to disappoint you. What I’ve realized now that I’m a wee bit older, is that people are human, and to stop being so darn hardheaded.

My dad. Not to bash him in on this journal but…he cheated on my mother. Several times. Once, I figured it out myself and didn’t talk to him for a few months, which I think is why we still to this day, have this weird tension whenever the subject of love, loyalty, and relationships come up. Plus, when I was a kid, I threw away his porn collection. Whoops. I was always a bit noble.

But, what gets me so worked up about the future, after watching ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ with my mom, showing her the wedding dress that I liked (and have saved onto my computer, please don’t judge me), is this idea.  Can I ever relent myself from my pedestal to get married, or even enter into a good solid relationship? These ideas of trusting another human being after seeing the men in my family destroy the women who get suckered in. Okay, that was a bit harsh but the women in my family, while wonderfully strong and loyal, hardly benefit from marrying a Hu. Hopefully my brothers change that.

However, I think I’m smarter now and can find someone who appreciates me for me, and hopefully, will love me, and be loyal. Those aren’t high standards right? Nope. This entire post was a ramble but I’ve watched way too many wedding shows with my mom this week.

This is from the blog ‘a beautiful mess’ and I would like something this cute. Sorry to be mushy but you know you can’t refrain the aww. 

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Personality; He called me a doe. He told me it was fitting for who I was underneath the personality that I had carefully crafted. I was surprised really, at his intuitive grasp of something that most people, even sometimes family, have missed. My father is originally from Taiwan. Although, he’s embraced American values easily—from Bob Marley to B.B.Q., that sometimes it’s hard to believe that he wasn’t born in good ol’ USA. Except, the way he raised me which differs drastically from my younger siblings. I think because I was the oldest, he was still young, or at the time, his job was really stressful, I was built differently. Assembled. Molded. Shaped. I’m still not sure. I was always more feminine than my younger sister. But, my Dad had a soft spot for Katie that didn’t extend over to me. Instead, what he carried for me was determination, and will that I would succeed where he felt that he had failed in life. So he pushed me, bullied me, sometimes even beat me, to become stronger, and sometimes he just took his anger out on me. Although, he always apologized after. I told my mother that while I love my father, I’m not sure I could ever forgive him for those lapses in judgment, and she understood, and agreed that sometimes, she couldn’t love him for those lapses either. But, even though a part of me deeply resented him, I still strived for him to notice me. As a child, my love was books, and I would spend hours reading, and having my mother exasperated about the amount of t imes she had to take me to the library in a week. However, that hardly catered towards my Dad’s ideals about what would create a successful woman out of me. So, in high school, I set aside my love, and picked up debate, and joined a business organization. He would drill me for hours on the weekends, having me practice, tearing apart any work I did, and refining my speaking skills until I was a fine-tuned machine. He was a sales manager, and taught me his tricks, and told me over and over again, that I had to be strong. To be a tiger, not a lamb (my Chinese zodiac). Hard to believe that in middle school, I would get such bad stage fright, I felt like I would puke on my classmates. That girl was long dead inside of me. Instead, I became this manipulator of feelings, efficient on assessing what will cater a smile, an acknowledgement, making me everything from a great sales associate myself this summer, to working well in Admissions, to working well in interviews. Yet, any accomplishments I had in high school were quickly scrutinized by my father who went didn’t go to any of my conferences even when I was a State President, or praise any of my debate accomplishments. It was just something to add to the resume and I was quick to learn that there would be no easy praises from him.  It wasn’t until college that I started shedding these layers on the outside and wonder how I would have turned out if it hadn’t been for my father, and for a few miscalculated relationships. Although, when I’m not around people, I’m actually quite reserved, quiet, and I enjoy small conversations, one-on-one relationships, and I hate crowds, hate parties, but every now and then, I enjoy a good debate, laugh. I’m actually very skittish, prone to run away from my feelings than facing them. Overall, when Jacob called me a doe, he was closer to my personality than a tiger ever was and I’ve grown to resent this “outer personality” and yearn to just be myself. So, here’s my New Year’s resolution (and what this long post was aiming at). I will be true to myself. I will be okay with being weak. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay not to be the leader. It’s okay to be Whitney. Doe, female, feminine, and fragile.   I’m okay with that.

Personality;

He called me a doe. He told me it was fitting for who I was underneath the personality that I had carefully crafted. I was surprised really, at his intuitive grasp of something that most people, even sometimes family, have missed.

My father is originally from Taiwan. Although, he’s embraced American values easily—from Bob Marley to B.B.Q., that sometimes it’s hard to believe that he wasn’t born in good ol’ USA. Except, the way he raised me which differs drastically from my younger siblings. I think because I was the oldest, he was still young, or at the time, his job was really stressful, I was built differently. Assembled. Molded. Shaped. I’m still not sure.

I was always more feminine than my younger sister. But, my Dad had a soft spot for Katie that didn’t extend over to me. Instead, what he carried for me was determination, and will that I would succeed where he felt that he had failed in life. So he pushed me, bullied me, sometimes even beat me, to become stronger, and sometimes he just took his anger out on me. Although, he always apologized after. I told my mother that while I love my father, I’m not sure I could ever forgive him for those lapses in judgment, and she understood, and agreed that sometimes, she couldn’t love him for those lapses either.

But, even though a part of me deeply resented him, I still strived for him to notice me. As a child, my love was books, and I would spend hours reading, and having my mother exasperated about the amount of t imes she had to take me to the library in a week. However, that hardly catered towards my Dad’s ideals about what would create a successful woman out of me. So, in high school, I set aside my love, and picked up debate, and joined a business organization. He would drill me for hours on the weekends, having me practice, tearing apart any work I did, and refining my speaking skills until I was a fine-tuned machine. He was a sales manager, and taught me his tricks, and told me over and over again, that I had to be strong. To be a tiger, not a lamb (my Chinese zodiac).

Hard to believe that in middle school, I would get such bad stage fright, I felt like I would puke on my classmates. That girl was long dead inside of me. Instead, I became this manipulator of feelings, efficient on assessing what will cater a smile, an acknowledgement, making me everything from a great sales associate myself this summer, to working well in Admissions, to working well in interviews. Yet, any accomplishments I had in high school were quickly scrutinized by my father who went didn’t go to any of my conferences even when I was a State President, or praise any of my debate accomplishments. It was just something to add to the resume and I was quick to learn that there would be no easy praises from him. 


It wasn’t until college that I started shedding these layers on the outside and wonder how I would have turned out if it hadn’t been for my father, and for a few miscalculated relationships. Although, when I’m not around people, I’m actually quite reserved, quiet, and I enjoy small conversations, one-on-one relationships, and I hate crowds, hate parties, but every now and then, I enjoy a good debate, laugh. I’m actually very skittish, prone to run away from my feelings than facing them. Overall, when Jacob called me a doe, he was closer to my personality than a tiger ever was and I’ve grown to resent this “outer personality” and yearn to just be myself.

So, here’s my New Year’s resolution (and what this long post was aiming at). I will be true to myself. I will be okay with being weak. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay not to be the leader. It’s okay to be Whitney.

Doe, female, feminine, and fragile.  

I’m okay with that.

(Source: sparkleandmud)